if you don’t have anything nice to say; don’t say anything at all. [ hi mom ]

Hi mom, [ if you even read these ]

How have you been? I guess it’s been a while since we actually have talked to each other and that is both of our faults. Though I don’t blame you or myself. So here, let me talk to you; through what I do best. My writing.

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Previously, I have made an elaborate post about my father [ which was probably weird to a lot of people who know my family ], what about my mother you may ask? Well here ya go, here she is; this took a lot for me to do. My father isn’t the only one who stands still in my life. My immediate family entails of six humans including myself. As I have said before, I am the oldest of four kids, and we come in packs [ 2 boys and 2 girls ]; separated all over, physically and mentally. We call ourselves a broken family, when my parents divorced a lot went down between all of us from then until now; from maturity to emotional confusion. It tore us kids every which way. My family is like a bunch of high school kids that always get into arguments and then don’t talk to each other for months at a time, waiting for someone to apologize for absolutely nothing in the end. [ this statement is basically the true definition of my family; truth be told, I last talked to my mother mid-July; so I am guilty of this 100% and I am not the only one. ] It’s a rare sight to see all six of us in a room together, and if we are; things can get tense [ depending on the topic ] but not always; and when they aren’t tense, those are the moments I cherish most, every single one of them. [ when things get heated, they get extremely heated, but when we laugh, we are above the world and nothing can stop us ] We argue like none other; ALL OF US ARE SO HARD HEADED, we are always in competition, there are favorites [ no one will admit it ], mom and dad don’t always see eye to eye. The list goes on; but with that being said, there will never be anything in my life like my family, immediate, extended and my very own little family that I have created myself. I am a very family orientated human being, especially after the year we have had. No one lives forever and I have learned that the hard way. Hold your dear ones close.

Now back to my mother;

She is famous for her cooking, her bad ass house parties in high school and basically being one of the most rad high school mothers out there. [ a mother to absolutely every one who walked through her door, I have a lot of brothers that are not biologically related to me, they became brothers by simply walking through the front door ] I have mad respect for my mom. [ as everyone should for their mothers; god bless anyone who has lost their mother ]. The job of a mother is not an easy pill to swallow. And my mother had one wild bunch wrapped in her hands [ oops ], and all of us know what we have done, to make her life not so easy. We never gave my mother an easy go. We were always 0-100 in 0.03 seconds and somehow the woman managed to come out on the other end with only a couple extra gray hairs. [ and she is damn proud ]

[ remember, we haven’t talked in months but it happens, especially with us ]

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I do not agree with everything she has done or said in life. But she can say the same for me and that is okay. We have butted heads often. My mom has had a tough go this last while, she has lost a lot and came out alive on the other end. [ how? I HAVE NO IDEA ] Her persistence for life is unexplainable. She’s had no choice but to keep going; for my sister, for herself; for all of us. As a mother myself, I have more respect for my own mother and what she did for us as a single mother when her and my dad divorced, it wasn’t easy [ for either of my parents in different ways ] As a deranged teen-aged girl, my mom was my rock, she is what kept my going through everything I went through. She put up with a lot from me. [ but not just me; my other siblings too. ]

My kids ask about her daily, and their Uncle Bryn. It deeply saddens me that my kids don’t get to see my mother as much and know my mother like I would like them too in their early life days. But my mother is set out for her own destination right now, and with respect I can’t change that. Her smile is made by her kids successes. My mom is one of the strongest people I know. Emotionally and physically this year has been HELL. But all that aside. This woman came out on top. She is moving forward, she is pushing herself everyday. She always finds a victory in a world of destruction. My mom is a person of strength, respect and loyalty, even when she doesn’t get it in return.

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I do not blame myself or my mother for what we are going through right now. We just can’t see eye to eye. So, we space ourselves. There are little key points in our lives that we use check in on each other to know the other is okay.

As I’ve gotten ‘older and wiser’, I’ve come to realize how the time spent with my family has gotten so minimal. Nowadays I’m usually too far away, working, or our schedules just don’t work. Being the furthest away I have been yet from everyone, I seem to have forgotten about the people who got me to where I am, and I’ve especially forgotten about the one person who pushed me to make me into the person I’ve become, my mother.

[ annnnnnd…. here we go ]

Dear Mom,

I want to start by telling you how much I love you. I know I don’t always show it. You are the most important woman in my life [ and I have failed you this little while ], and you always will be. I truly know life is hard for you right now and I haven’t done much to make it easier for you, but you have sacrificed so much in your life just to raise me and lead me into this world, and it means more to me than I’ll ever be able to express in words in this all over the place post. Ever since I was little you have been my hero and someone I’ve always looked up to. You have been my biggest fan through every single stage of my life and I couldn’t ask for a better cheerleader. I am incredibly blessed to have had the opportunity to have you all of my life.

Thank you; Two words that means so little when comparing them to every little thing it is that you do for me. Thank you for the laughter, the smiles, the lessons, and reminding me that I’ll always have somebody who loves me for who I am, flaws and all. You have shown me that it is okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to cry, and it’s okay to be who I am.

Thank you for knowing when I was wrong and spanking me when I was being a brat. I may not have liked it then, but looking back, I know I’m better off. Thank you for holding me while I cried and promising me that tomorrow would be a better day. You’ve been my rock through breakups, life decisions, and new chapters. You’ve carried me through when I was convinced I couldn’t go on. Thank you for becoming my very first best friend and being my biggest [ and most caring ] confidant. Thank you for showing me right from wrong, for encouraging me in my walk of faith, and for teaching me the value of respect not only for others, but for myself as well. You have always pushed me to be the very best version of myself and to work for the things I want, rather than to expect them. Thank you for making me independent, and teaching me to never rely on anyone. Every single day, I become more confident in myself. You always told me that the ability to be financially and emotionally stable on my own was imperative, I see now that you couldn’t have been more correct. Thank you for passing down some of your best qualities. You taught me to fight for everything that I believe in and to never back down. Because of you, I am not afraid to stand up for myself. I tell it like it is and I fight with everything in me. I inherited my convictions and my passion from mostly you, and I’m a better person because of it.

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Thank you for always believing in me. I will forever be your little girl, no amount of growing can change that. Thank you for giving me at least one sister, to torture and love just the same. She is by far one of the biggest pains and one of the biggest blessings in my life and of course, my brothers. Thank you for not giving up on me, especially during those teen years. I hope to have half the perseverance you had. Thank you for keeping me grounded. You never hesitate to remind me where I came from and sometimes, I needed that reality check.

Lastly mom, I want to tell you how I am sorry. I’m sorry for all the times I fought with you, for the times I’ve let you down, and for the times I chose friends and other things over you. Sometimes I tend to lose sight of the things that are most important to me. I never mean to fight with you, ignore you or make you guess what is next. You truly mean so much to me and I don’t express it enough, and I certainly don’t prove it when I leave you in the dark because I am bitter. A lot of the time, especially lately, you deserve someone who pays more attention to the things that you do. I hope that by the time I have enough courage to speak to you [ or by the end of this mess ], you can someday forgive me for this past three months.

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I love you so much, to the ends of the Earth and until the day I’m no longer walking on it. I don’t say it enough, and right now you need to hear it. Thank you for being everything to me, always; even now.

Love always,
Your Proud Daughter.

♥♥

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