My heart is raw.
Life as I know it has been permanently different now that you are gone. This has been one of my hardest journeys, one I don’t think I will ever get used to. Some days I am okay, some days I can’t function properly. Lately my days have been so hard, I haven’t been myself [ I can’t even proofread this blog without losing it and crying uncontrollably ]
In the 24 years we spent together, you taught me about strength, hope, adventure, education, love, independence, and most of all, family. Family was the most important thing in the world to you. You brought this family of ours together. And now that you are gone, we are slipping apart. There are some days where I think about all the memories we have together, and I wish I could relive them again. I long for all of the small memories; talks about where you worked, stories about how you met every person and their dog, and our hug that you claimed would warm your insides until the next time you saw us. You always said that you didn’t think God wanted you in heaven because he kept sending you back; I think he knew how much we [ how much I ] needed you.
I have missed you uncontrollably since the moment I left you last, our last goodbye is something I will treasure for the rest of my life. At times I feel like I am incapable of crying anymore but I seem to always be proven wrong. I know I am selfish to sit here and wish I could speak to you one last time, to phone you like I didn’t do so many times. Its been a long five months without seeing you, without hearing your laugh, your voice. Knowing that I will never see you again, brings tears to my eyes every time. I catch myself speaking about you, like I will see you next time I visit. I find little reminders of you everywhere. I find that when I come across myself struggling, or in distress I automatically resort to thinking of you. You make me better. Our happy memories have been now tainted with sadness as I realize that for each of the things we did together countless times, that it was the last time and there will never be another. It is hard to do some things that we once always did together. [ I can’t even begin think about the next Easter get together we will have. You would be so disappointed if I missed it, but emotionally I may not be able to with stand it quite yet ] I find it remarkable that despite all of the physical struggles these last few years held for you, you still weren’t quite ready to go. Despite having to struggle to breathe, as if you were breathing through a coffee straw, you were content to be here just a little longer.
When you had passed, I had to adjust to a life that you were no longer a part of. I had never lived in a world where you didn’t exist. You have been my closest loss. I had never even lived in a world where you weren’t just a phone call away. When you were alive, I thought I had a good understanding of you as a person. You had always been a presence in my life. You were instrumental in making me the person I have become today. But when you died, I felt like I didn’t know you at all. There was so much of your life that I didn’t know about, and I had never bothered to find out from you. Defining you only in relation to me was a naïve way to consider you, and I’m sorry that I didn’t realize sooner. It is the curse of any loss, but especially death, that true appreciation for a person is not realized until it is too late. I miss our conversations. How we could cover such a broad range of topics in a single conversation is beyond me, but it was so you.
I don’t think I can ever get used to life without you. I will never forget who you were, and what you meant to me, and what you taught me. You taught me how to be generous, you taught me hospitality and how to do everything to my best ability. I hope that I can do your memory justice. Your belongings that you gave to me will always be treated with care. I’m grateful for all the small pieces of your life I get to carry on into mine, even though you yourself are not here. You are forever in my heart. You loved us all deeply, and we felt it. My kids constantly ask about you, I have made sure they know of you. I hope you are able to feel our love pouring right back at you. Because we love you so much. Then, now and forever. Someday, I will see your smiling face again, and I will hear your big laugh again. I will feel your tight hug squeeze again.
So yet again, to you grandma, I say thank you. Thank you for being the incredible woman you were, I’m so thankful too have had the relationship we did and while I’m a little better since the day you passed, and being a little over five months, it’s still hard, the hardest loss i have had yet. But I know, you’re always there, and you’ll always guide me and protect me. You are now free, and at peace. You aren’t bound by the confines of your failing lungs anymore, and you are free to laugh, move, dance, and play in ways you haven’t been able to in years. [ hug Miah for us; its his birthday today. ]
The sun has gone down on this part of my life, but my life is not over. I want to live in a way that honors your memory. I know that someday I will see you again. So, for that reason, I will not say goodbye now. I will simply say see you again.
Finally, Grandma, you can breathe without struggle.
Finally, you are home.
I hope you are looking down proud of the children and grandchildren you raised. I am so thankful to have had such a strong and incredible woman to look up to. I pray you continue to watch over me as that sparrow in the sky.
You are my hero and my guiding light.
I’ll love you forever and always more.