— 1. The feeling when you stay up at night, stare at your ceiling, ask yourself an infinite number of questions, then sit there and debate on whether or not you actually want to know the answer. 2. The feeling where you wonder who truly cares about you, and who is just using you; who is there for you and who is so desperately waiting for you to fail. 3. The feeling where you feel like you’re not good enough; that you need to be this, this and this to be successful and liked. 4. The feeling where you get frustrated because it’s physically impossible to 100% happy. You want someone to vent to but no one will understand you. 5. The feeling where you question your value, your worth, your pride, yourself, everything… and you think. Overthink. All night. All you’re left with, is you, yourself and a very dark place.
Well here we are again. Anxiety overload. [ numero two with anxiety; its as clear as mud ] I get caught up in everything I don’t want to be, everything I try to avoid so I can be better, for just once. But I can’t get away. [ mainly from myself, but other’s interactions don’t exactly help. ] Everyone has good days and bad days, some bad days last longer than others. Some bad days just never go away. I know and have realized that these feelings and thoughts aren’t ever going to go away. Although I have lots of peers supporting me and have done well for myself; I still daily feel unhappy and anxious, constantly. [ and its no ones fault, not even my own ] I have met with many people, shared my story and made my story known, but the ‘problem’ was never really ‘solved’. I go through periods of time where I can convince myself I am fine and that I am just overreacting, but then there are times when I don’t even want to move or get up in the morning. It’s a constant game of back and forth; that I can’t leave.
There are events in my current life that trigger this all more than some, there are times where I dread going to sleep each night, knowing that I have to wake up the next morning and deal with these emotions again, emotions I can’t get rid of. Daily, my hands shake, my heart beats fast. I become hyper aware of everything around me, always on edge and can’t fully concentrate on the task at hand. I decline social activities to see my friends, family and I never want to be seen in public and my biggest struggle as we speak; ending up losing a significant amount of weight in a very short while. [ if you didn’t know, or haven’t seen me in a while, well now you know, this is me right now, the scariest loss yet. I am sorry. ] I am irritable and feel unhappy with everything in my life when I really shouldn’t, and you don’t need to tell me this, I know. I refer to myself as worthless. The fact that my anxiety and depression are interfering with my work, relationships and most importantly my physical health, it’s a BIG deal. I know I need to do something about it. I’m working on it.
In a couple months, I know I’ll feel better, this all changes with the seasons, and these events and situations come and go as the wind. Being back at work, doing something I really do enjoy; helps but then again it doesn’t; because in comes new worries and people. No one new understands, they assume I just have ‘issues’. Anxiety is something I will battle with daily, for a life time, and I know its something I will probably struggle with for a long while but I am trying to take those small initial steps to change my life and outlook. [ with the help of some amazing people ] I have been working on speaking up, and not sweeping this under the rug. [ I try to but a select few don’t let me, they usually know right ] With the society we are in, we are often told that anxiety is not a big deal and that our symptoms can be controlled with an on-off switch. [ NO! ] People constantly try to convince me that what I feel isn’t a big deal, but psychological disorders are created in your brain. Its not something we can always control or fix ourselves. And even then it takes time, it doesn’t happen overnight.
I have had anxiety about having anxiety. I have had anxiety about the times when I did NOT feel anxiety. I have had fears of forgetting how to breathe. I have had days where I was so filled with worry that I was literally sick to my stomach. Anxiety will always be a part of my life, but it really should no longer completely control me like it does, and is doing because I know it like the back of my hand, I know what it does. I thought I had figured it out. I know what it is, why it’s there and what my current anxiety levels mean about the state of my life at that time. But for me to get it, to get everything that is happening; anxiety has to be my guide, I NEED it in my life and if I had the choice to have it taken away forever, I wouldn’t do it. I don’t know anything else. I have learned that it can be a good thing; a product of my own personality and that instead of fighting it, I need to LISTEN TO IT and figure out what it is really trying to tell me. Even when I am overwhelmed, I have to move forward. I have learned to control it to the best of my abilities, I have learned how to live with it, and there is absolutely not one single thing that anybody could tell me about their anxiety symptoms that I would find shocking or surprising.
My life has not been easy. But “easy” doesn’t build character and “easy” doesn’t build strength and if people can know only one thing about me, I want them to know that I have used every horrible thing that has happened to me in my life to make myself a stronger, better person. It is a great feeling to look back over my life and not be able to think of one negative event that has not taught me something valuable. I have learned a lot through the worst situations, and I have tried to be better to myself about it; anxiety included. Again, good days and bad days; and some of those bad days just linger a while longer.
Anxiety hasn’t ruined my life, it has only made me see life in a bit more complex order. It doesn’t always just work out for some other people. But people with anxiety should be more PROUD and embrace the uniqueness and little quirks that anxiety gives us to begin with. It takes someone special with beautiful personality traits to face anxiety full on, even when we feel unlucky sometimes. And when we can’t overcome it; we should embrace it.
There are no great secrets to anxiety recovery or coping. Its all just about stepping back and looking at it from a different angle. I am a woman who wants a full recovery more than anything else in this entire world, to be able to breathe freely and I know that the only way to make that happy is to turn what is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, into something a bit more positive. Even when it is against everything I believe at that time. [ Like right now. ]
” I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t even know who I am anymore” said the anxiety.