if you think no one cares if you are alive; try missing a couple car payments.

I am back…

For worse or for better? Well… That is still to be determined. [ and I got rid of my long nails and can type a hell of a lot better now ]

LETS GO. Diving in head first. All over again.

Life. Is. Fucking. Hard. Straight up. Physically, I am all there; ready to go. Emotionally, I am the next controversial fashion trend waiting to happen. But all in the mind frame, which is also a insane classic; if you don’t show it, its okay right? [ insert eye roll ] It’s all a fact of life; emotions, and that fact of life is just as intimidating as the rest of life you have to learn.

Stable or unstable we as humans, are constantly moving forward, with or without whatever is with or without you. Day in and day out, tomorrow is a new day; get it.

What does it mean to be mentally unstable?

To be unstable is to lack stability, meaning things could change without warning, like an unstable bookshelf that is likely to fall down. If you are unstable emotionally, you might be ecstatically happy one minute and horribly depressed and angry the next. The adjective unstable means the opposite of stable.

I felt like this was a good way to start off again, its basically a recap of everything ever, written in my own words on the spot.

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I wrote this with the purest heart awhile back [ about a month ago ], because talking to humans face to face is absolutely terrifying; but I can write for the world to see and not feel the slightest bit terrified, being vulnerable through words is what I do; maybe because its not direct, maybe because then there’s more than one set of eyes on me. I don’t know why really. But I guess it worked, I felt less alone and less trapped, for the moment it lasted at least.

‘ …. here we go. short and sweet.

a mothers instinct is always right, it truly never fails, no matter how damn old you are. recently, i reached out to my mother, for a desperate cry for help. and while doing so, i told everyone else i wanted nothing to do with them, some stuck around. some didn’t. it’s a trend lately.. but if you know me. asking for help is one of the things i will never do; until it’s absolutely a little too late. it’s been eight years since she’s been able to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay. not even physically hold me, but just to reassure me that i will be okay. that, this is fine. and i am NOT crazy. i wasn’t selfish through those eight years, in fact for six of those eight years, i had to be selfless. my kids deserved every ounce of my life. i was growing. a lot, it was good. and i did what i needed to to get by. but this is now. and now sucks.

{ and i know not everyone gets to be held again. and my heart BREAKS for those of you who have lost their mother and/or parental figure who fills this void. }

as of now, i am losing and have lost myself, trying to live some crazy life legacy, which is basically all made up in my mind. nothing i have done is wrong. if i didn’t do what i did. i wouldn’t know what i do today.. i wouldn’t be where i am today. and well, here i am. and let me tell you. it’s been something else. and i just can’t seem to keep up.

my description: i feel numb, distant and empty. i’ve experienced love and grief. i don’t feel good enough, i care about people’s opinions, a little hate from someone. kills the heart, i feel isolated. i don’t know who i am anymore. i have almost pushed everyone away, and when i need to just talk. i sit here staring at a wall. – people that i talk to daily, reading this, will shake their head. because i never spoke up, i couldn’t. or they just don’t care to know. people are busy. and i am not needing to be the centre of attention but thats also very okay. – it’s one of those typical, check on your friends who are smiling things, because what’s on the outside might not match the inside. a small task, like bringing the kids to swimming; exhausts me for the rest of the day. i can’t sleep. i can’t get out of bed. when the bad is bad; silently, it’s so bad, i have anxiety about anxiety, over things that will possibly never happen. ever. i can’t trust anyone, i find a way out of everything and if i don’t run away. i expect everyone else to. i am tired. not your typical ‘sleepy’ tired but emotionally and mentally exhausted, tired. my chest is heavy, and there’s a pit in my stomach. i hate who i see when i look in the mirror. i feel sick over absurd thoughts, even when people ease my mind. i don’t believe in loyal human existence, words are just words. and i expect the worst in every situation. i never have a peace of mind.. i don’t find much happiness in things as i should. i don’t have the joy i did a year ago. and i should for my kids. i did find light and a little happiness in little areas of my life, it’s not all dark. but i just assume its short lived. everyone leaves. i have ruined a lot of happiness over my thoughts and unwillingness to trust anyone or anything. everything is such a blur. a sickening blur. and i don’t blame anyone else.

THIS. isn’t everything.

but this, was my cry to my mom. through copious amounts of tears and the biggest jumble of words i could get together and by the end of it all. all i could say to her was, ‘i don’t want to sound crazy’. and her response was ‘you’re not crazy, nor do you sound crazy, you just need your mom.’ [ see photo below ] keep in mind that we haven’t been in the same house doing the same life in eight or so years. i told her i didn’t want to sound crazy. i didn’t want to ramble on and sound desperate, i just needed someone to know, someone who would listen. and i knew if i finally spoke up. that, if i finally told someone. it would have to be her, she would know. she knew. she was waiting. and for me, maybe, it wouldn’t be too late.

mom: i’ll probably be more needy than a toddler. i’ll need to be held so tightly, i can’t move because the emotions will be unbearable. i’ll cry more than i’ve ever cried. but i just need my mom, someone to just not give up on me. because nothing else makes sense at this point.

to everyone else: when i said i didn’t have the words. these were my words burning inside me. i can tell you i’m sorry for all the misleading posts and social interactions. i can sit here and say i am sorry i’m like this or sorry to everyone who has experienced anything from me, anything that i’ve mentioned. but that’s not the right thing to do yet. because i am still sitting here with pits in my stomach, anxiety over everything, and abandonment within my own mind. and when i feel better. when i feel human again, i’ll reach out to those people who helped me grow when i couldn’t see it myself and the ones that didn’t leave me feeling worse. and to some of you, i’ll never be sorry. to the people who have stuck with me when i didn’t say anything, to the people who STILL reply even though i’ve pushed you away and have been the biggest bitch, honestly, thank you.

[ if you’ve made it this far into this. also, thank you. ]

if i have left you on read, if i’ve cancelled our plans. if i’ve said something and didn’t give you a reason. if i have avoided everything and anything to do with you, this is the best reason i have for you. and if you’re blindsided. well. now you know.

PLEASE: just know, i’m not doing or saying this to make people feel bad for me. i don’t want the pity. i don’t want anyone to feel bad for me. i am speaking of this, to continually show people they aren’t alone. because i’m sure i’m not the only one, even though i feel so alone. being silent might not be the best thing, it really doesn’t solve anything. and if you don’t care. keep scrolling, because someone needs to hear they aren’t alone. and finally, mental health is a real thing. and man, it SUCKS. reach out. it’s okay to not be okay.

check on your friends. FOR REAL.

peace and much love.

edit: i am so thankful for the people who have stood by me, during these treacherous dark times. you’ve saw through everything and still saw me. i am forever grateful. ‘

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NOTE: My mom moved into my basement, we are figuring out this life thing. We as in me, figuring out that I am not alone.

From this all, a lot of people reached out to me and let me know that I wasn’t alone and that there are other people out there that feel the same. There were also some people who asked if specifics were about them, I directed them to the part that says ” I WILL NEVER BE SORRY”. [ boy bye ]

Words are so crazy, filled with so many emotions and meanings. And everyone has their own to run with, or hide.

Life is crazy; and here we all are just doing our thing.

Welcome Back.

♥♥

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